Loss

I woke up early yesterday because I was so excited. I was going to see my baby!

I found out September 20 that I was pregnant, and I was so excited! I never thought I'd be that excited about having baby #3. Being pregnant with the third was much harder than the first or second, with two very active little kids to take care of. I was nauseous almost all day long, and SOOO tired. As evidenced by the conspicuous lack of blogging since Sept 19th!

Yesterday was my first doctor's visit, at 10 weeks. I went by myself, not having any reason to think anything would be wrong. With the exception of a little over a year of infertility trying to get pregnant with Dallin, I'd never had any complications in pregnancy. So Jake stayed home with the kids, and I was looking forward to reading trashy magazines in the waiting room by myself.

My doctor always does an ultrasound at the first appointment, and it was immediately obvious that something was wrong. I knew my baby was still tiny, but I couldn't see it on the screen. My doctor looked at me and said, "I'm a little worried." Which made me really worried. He spent the next couple of minutes searching for a heartbeat, without success.

My first reaction was disbelief- I knew I couldn't have miscarried. I'd had a positive pregnancy test, no bleeding, no cramping, nothing to make me think this wasn't a normal pregnancy. My mom had 6 kids with no miscarriages, my sister 4 kids without any miscarriages, and I was supposed to be similar to them, right? Why was I the lucky one to have infertility and a miscarriage??

"I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet," my doctor said. He said he saw something at the bottom of the ultrasound that could have been a tiny heartbeat. He had me go to the lab for some blood tests, and I have to go back tomorrow for some more tests to see if there's a change. But I don't feel very optimistic right now.

I never held this baby in my arms, hadn't felt it move yet, and don't even know if it's a boy or a girl. But I'm still very very sad. It's still losing a baby.